Salvesen U16’s vs. Eskmills Boys Club - Match Report

Salvesen U16’s  vs.  Eskmills Boys Club

Venue: Kirtliston Leisure Centre                                                             Kick Off: 2pm

 

A well deserved, 2-1 win for Eskmills away to Salvesen. With both teams lining up in 4-4-2 formations an enjoyable game was forecast. With the damp ground and the continuous drizzle, conditions were not optimal for either side and this was evident as the first 5 minutes were extremely scrappy with neither side able to get a foothold in the game and three consecutive passes would have been an achievement for either side.

Eskmills were however beginning to take control on the left side of midfield with Jack Hay having plenty of joy against the opposing right back Dylan McLaughlin. Hay’s movement and early running gave Eskmills the first real chance of the game with his cross from the left reaching striker Andrew Lawson who tapped in for 1-0. Terrible defending by Salvesen left Lawson unmarked on the goal line.

Salvesen unable to make themselves a force in the game resorted to long nigh balls that were being easily dealt with by the Eskmills defence. With Salvesen struggling to make an impact, Finlay Muir make a lovely jinking run through the opposing defence but there was no one in the middle to connect to an inviting cross.

Salvesen then started to get more involved in the game with Gregor            Hutchison showing great skill to bring down and control a high ball and running from the left drilled in a powerful shot which was excellently parried by Goalkeeper Steven Bald.

After an early scare Eskmills produced an excellent period of dominance, with Andrew Lawson through on goal, an excellent last ditch tackle from Daniel Lockhart keeping the forward from making it 2-0. Eskmills continued to pressure the Salvesen goal with Liam Morrison heading wide from a corner. Jack Hay continued to cause Dylan McLaughlin problems down the left, putting in inviting crosses and winning a plentiful amount of corner kicks, from which giant defender Liam Morrison was a constant threat. David Gallagher cut a great ball back from the left of the 18yd box to Andrew Lawson who should have put Eskmills up 2-0 but Ross Stewart produced a fine save to deny him.

Salvesen at this point looked extremely disillusioned with passes not finding their intended targets. Constant use of long balls lead to the Salvesen attack being rendered obsolete. However, the best chance Salvesen had in the first half feel to Douglas Kellock as he was put through 1 on 1 with the goalkeeper who deflected the shot enough so that the defence could clear comfortably. A corner from Salvesen swung into the penalty area was headed wide, as another good chance went begging.

As Salvesen switched from a 4-4-2 to a 3-5-2 in an attempt to control the midfield and achieve some standing in the game. Eskmills continued to exploit the left through Hay. Hay put through by Liam Morrison, then forced another excellent save from the keeper who tipped his shot wide for a corner. Ross Stewart was again called into action just before half time when the increasingly busy Stewart tipped David Gallagher’s cross/shot onto the bar.

Salvesen came out in the 2^nd half with much more purpose in their play, Gregor Hutchison playing through Robert Moffat who shot wide. This determination was shown once more when Daniel Bertram ran 25 yds to commit a cynical foul on David Gallagher, purposely taking the legs away from the forward as he advanced. With Salvesen pressuring a sturdy Eskmills defence, Douglas Kellock hit a rasping 18 yd shot which Bald spilled. 

Eskmills, shaken from the fantastic start to the 2^nd half made by Salvesen produced a comeback of their own. Jack Todd and Andrew Lawson combining well down the right and Liam Morrison becoming increasingly dangerous at set pieces. A cross form David Gallagher was spilled and a goal line scramble ensued with the ball being turned in giving Eskmills a 2-0 lead against the run of play.

Salvesen rallied late on to grab a consolation through Finlay Muir who expertly headed in a cross from the right, rising above the defence giving the keeper no chance as the header was placed with power and precision into the top corner.

Salvesen might argue they deserved more from their 2^nd half performance but Eskmills on the day were more than a worthy match and thoroughly deserved their win.

Booked

Salvesen: Daniel Bertram

Eskmills: Callum Kerr

 

Man of the Match

Andrew Lawson - Eskmills

Edinburgh Festival: Obie – Total Recall - Half Scum, Half Genius

Obie – Total Recall – Half Scum, Half Genius

Going in to the deep dark depths of Espionage where Obie is going to take to the stage, a small man with a look of mischief in his eye walks up to the bar I am standing at, “are you here to see the show?” he asks, “yes” I retort. He then advises me to go into the small performance area hidden by a length of black drape.

The show begins after a slight delay, with Obie delivering a number of shit and fart jokes spread round a unmitigated tale of the last few years of this life. This carries on for while with mother, father and gay jokes scattered into this tale of uplifting woe. The audience is then asked to offer suggestions at add to an every growing list of random words, at the time of writing there were 236 individual suggestions. Each of these memorised by the man himself. Audience participation holds the key with random numbers being shouted at the small Glaswegian he tells a story.

We were then taken on a journey through the USA via Iceland and Europe, with penguins, elves, and Noel Edmonds of ‘Noel’s House Party’ fame. Taken to Partick Thistle with Elvis stopping off at Lidl on the way. With sexual innuendo galore and implements of all kinds at his disposal this is not one for the easily offended.

A very enjoyable performer and extremely funny man, quick wit and an awesome memory, one of the hidden gems of the festival. A must see for everyone, those with a nervous disposition need not apply.

Edinburgh Festival: Kevin Hayes

Kevin Hayes – Kevin Hayes

This self-titled show is one that failed to tickle my funny bone. Billed as “one teetotal, religious fanatic in a cave somewhere and another on the White House… come in and have a drink and a laugh at their expense.” I for one failed to muster a smile.

Kevin introduced himself to what seemed like every member of the audience 10,000 times. Each new person that entered the small cave-like area had to endure an inquisition of his or her nationality and political views. This constant stop/starting annoyed those who made the effort to get a seat on time and lead to a subsequent decline in attention being given to Mr Hayes.

Ever an optimist I was hopeful of some exciting material, something to revel in. instead I was treated to nothing but a rehash of the religious debates and political haze that greeted us in late 2001. Yes, 9/11 has become a comedians delight providing easy laughs and instant audience gratification, this attempt was woeful if nothing else.

Maybe a change in approach, the focus now shifting to Northern Ireland. Religious comedy, Protestant vs. Catholic, a titanic struggle. But nothing new, nothing edgy, nothing to take your attention from the lovely masonry of the venue. Regurgitated yarns, which had to be spelt out for such a diverse audience.

One hour of wasted time that I will never have returned to me.

Edinburgh Festival: Dr Brown and Duncan Bolt are Almost Human

Dr Brown and Duncan Bolt are Almost Human

Two half hour segments not related at all. First on was Duncan Bolt, a very excitable young man, lots of larking around and can’t seem to stay still. With what seemed like no narrative, he bounced along making with a few one-liners here and there, a more Michael Barrymore in his heyday act.

Not as engaging as one would think and possibly hope for. Enchanted for what seemed like a minute but was actually a second. With material inspired by classical Hollywood movies, an area most aren’t very familiar with, it struggles to make a connection with an audience. A man who I think is still searching for his niche on the comedy circuit or possibly one that has found out his niche is a lesser part of a much wider expansion of hilarity. If you like lively, talkative and off the wall comics, check Duncan Bolt out.

The second part of this 2-man extravaganza was Dr Brown, a man so off the wall he is on the ceiling. His style something that you are not likely to see much in mainstream comedians. A surreal expedition through mind and matter and even more matter.  Dr Brown takes you to somewhere you didn’t think you would be, a masterful character and undeniable intellect. This is a comic that has you thinking and laughing at a bizarre world conceived by a glorious mind, keeping you guessing where he will go next and how far he can take the illusion.

Edinburgh Festival: Chris Cross – Escaping from Reality

Chris Cross – Escaping from Reality

Escaping from reality might conjure up images of mind bending space age virtual experience. It is in fact a delightfully funny show by escapologist and contortionist and all round funny man Chris Cross.

Set in a damp dungeon in old town Edinburgh, Chris delights the crowd with funny one liner, and other witty banter extremely likely to been seen on Dave in the near future. His act was not stand-up, but merely a young man joking around and bouncing off a somewhat boisterous crowd.

Quick witted and with a iniquitous sense of humor, selecting members of the crowd to participate in the act and keep the creative juices flowing. His final deed involved a straight jacket and two men, that is all one, can say. A contestant on Britain’s Got Talent and with Simon Cowell among his admirers, the future can only get better for Chris.

Edinburgh Festival: Britishness – Shelley Cooper

Britishness – Shelley Cooper

Britishness, a show about the meaning of being British in modern day Britain. A comic journey through history, looking at such things as the culture, religion and politics of this small island. With the show being part of the free fringe a mixture of nationalities were apparent in the audience, Dutch, German, South African, Australian and of course us British, with most being from England and a handful of proud patriotic Scots.

Shelly Cooper opens by telling us a bit about her background, born into a family that were rooted in the jewel of the Empire, the patriotic behaviour of her father who we were told stood up and saluted the Great British national anthem in the days when the British Broadcasting Corporation ‘closed’ for the evening.

Britishness looks at Great Britain from a wide variety of angles, with no clear opinions given. It seems more like a history lesson. A more enjoyable one than those dreary days spent in a stuffy room listening to equally stuffy teachers digress about the goings on of yesteryear. Here we are given a lesson in historical comedy, having the small British institutions we hold dear put out there for the entire world to see and have a giggle at.

Ultimately, I did find the performance interesting, as I am a sucker for nationalistic history; I think this experience was not recreated with other members of the audience. If you happen to be from one noble nations that compose Great Britain then this would be a show that I would implore that you see. It is witty and in good humour, and Shelley makes you feel connected to the show. On the downside, Britishness only works for a British audience. People of other nationalities simply wont understand this performance about Britain.

Historical comedy with a hint of colonialism thrown in for good measure